The narcissists, spiritual vampires, jealous and judgmental people, liars and drama magnets. I’ve dealt with almost every kind of toxic person there is and if I’m being honest, I have been a toxic person in past relationships. I’ve made people feel like shit about their life because I was jealous of them. I have tried to manipulate and control another person’s actions because I felt my way was better than theirs. And I’ve most certainly lied to people to get what I want. There was a time in my life where I was a shitty person because I was so selfish and didn’t give a fuck about anyone else.
I’d like to think I’m a better person now, that I’m not a shitty person but just a bitch. And I honestly credit my relationship with my husband that made me a less selfish person. (Thanks baby!) But I’ll talk more about that in another blog post.
This is in no way a post offering advice on how to remove toxic people from your life because I have no fucking clue. With this post, I really wanted to talk about my personal struggle with toxic people in my life and how hard of a time I’m having. And any advice or experiences you readers would like to share I would really appreciate it. So let’s get to it.
Some of you may have heard the Polish expression: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Basically saying not your drama, not your problem. But what if it’s not your circus but those are most definitely your mutha fuckin’ monkeys? What if the drama doesn’t involve you but involves a very close friend or a close relative? Is it easy then to say “not my problem”? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. And therein lies my struggle.
Ok, so I have an Uncle Bob. Bob is cool as fuck and I love him with all my heart, but he’s got problems. Uncle Bob is a toxic person. Every time I talk to Uncle Bob, he has a new problem he’s facing: something at work, problems with his girlfriends and so many others. I might not be his favorite niece but he talks to me because I’m the only one who really listens. He can go on and on as long as I’ll let him, and it can be a while, especially if he’s had a few beers. I always offer a solution to the problems he has: don’t like your job Uncle Bob? Find a new one. Your nephew is mooching off you? Kick his ass out and cut him off. But the problem is, Uncle Bob doesn’t really want my advice, he doesn’t actually want solutions to his problems, he just wants me and everyone else to feel sorry for him. And Uncle Bob would constantly criticize what I was doing in my life. Any accomplishment I brought to him would be shot down and he would wind up talking about himself. Most of this bothered me but I still kept in contact with him because he’s my uncle. But the constant complaining made my anxiety worse, I was worrying about him all the time and always trying to help him. It wasn’t until Uncle Bob accused me of stealing money from him that I cut off contact from him. I was hurt that he thought I could do that to him. I had my limit and he crossed it. And I wish he wasn’t as fucked up as he is, and that our relationship could be better, but until Uncle Bob changes his toxic behavior, I just can’t have the same relationship with him. It was making me suffer mentally and emotionally.
While I have gotten a lot better at distancing myself and cutting toxic people out of my life completely, sometimes I’m pulled back into the drama. And whenever I do help a toxic person, it’s always out of guilt. I feel guilty for not helping because I’ve known them a long time or because they are a family member. But I get burned every single time and it really fucks with me. I want to be a supportive person but it never works with toxic people because it’s all about them. They take what they want from you, make you feel like it wasn’t enough and will never apologize to you. And there will always be a problem that they need help solving. But I just can’t do it anymore. I really just want to leave all this toxicity behind me.
With this being the last day of 2018, I’ve looked back on what this year has taught me. This year I’ve realized which people really have my back. Its a small number of people but it’s better that way. I’ve learned that people who wish me well to my face actually wish for me to fail behind my back. I’ve been lied to countless times and bled emotionally dry. And I thank each and everyone of you toxic bastards for teaching me to stay the fuck away from you. I want 2019 to have as little drama as possible, surely a lot less than this year.
I truly wish everyone a wonderful new year! I hope your 2019 is filled with great company, amazing sex and lots of laughter.